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00:00:32,240 --> 00:00:36,020
Good evening. Good evening. It's very
nice to be with you for the start of a

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brand new series, isn't it? Yes, it is.
Yes, it is. And in a packed program

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00:00:38,720 --> 00:00:42,760
tonight, Antonio, the famous Spanish
dancer, will be showing us how to dance

4
00:00:42,760 --> 00:00:45,580
fandango with his fan in one hand and
his dango in the other.

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And we'll be talking to a one -fingered
pickpocket who only steals

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00:00:57,960 --> 00:00:58,960
polo mints.

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00:01:01,260 --> 00:01:05,720
But meanwhile, here is the news. The
National Coal Board are pleased to

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00:01:05,720 --> 00:01:08,740
that there was no absenteeism in British
pits last month.

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00:01:08,960 --> 00:01:10,560
All the absentees stayed at home.

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00:01:12,260 --> 00:01:17,660
Mr Arnold Limpkin, the famous one
-legged tap dancer, retired today.

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A special programme tonight features
some of his greatest hits, like I Could

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Have Hopped All Night, Knee Up, Mother
Brown,

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And 20 tiny fingers, 15 tiny toes.

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But here is a motoring flash.

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On the A30 this evening, a tanker load
of bleach on its way to the West Country

16
00:01:37,930 --> 00:01:41,950
overturned on a notorious accident black
spot, turning it immediately into a

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notorious accident white spot.

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And a vicar who rode his bicycle the
wrong way up the M1 was asked how he

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managed to avoid an accident. He
replied, God was with me, and was

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charged with riding two on a bike.

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00:02:04,970 --> 00:02:08,870
Yes, and there was an accident today
involving Britain's worst goalkeeper,

22
00:02:08,870 --> 00:02:12,430
Barclay, who has already let through 157
goals this season.

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Shouting out, I'm a complete failure,
Barclay threw himself in front of a bus.

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Luckily, the bus passed under him and he
wasn't hurt.

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Drive to improve the standards of
service and hygiene. A West End hotel

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dismissed a waiter for having his thumb
in the soup.

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They also dismissed a topless waitress
for two similar offences.

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In the sketch that follows, the public
and private life of Samuel Pepys, I play

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00:02:44,220 --> 00:02:46,200
the public parts and Ronnie Corbett.

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00:02:48,840 --> 00:02:50,360
Ronnie Corbett plays the piano.

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Morning. Morning.

32
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What can I do for you then?

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Is the watchmaker in?

34
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I'm the watchmaker.

35
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What do I look like then?

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Cedric, cut it down, would you?

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Call yourselves Frick out of here.

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Don't worry about that, sir.

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Very noisy business, stringing poles,
you know.

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00:03:48,800 --> 00:03:53,580
Charlie, what could I do you for, sir?
Well, it's my watch. Oh, isn't that a

41
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dainty little piece, eh? Isn't it
lovely? What's the matter with you, my

42
00:03:57,360 --> 00:03:58,360
boy, eh?

43
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Well,

44
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he needs adjusting.

45
00:04:03,040 --> 00:04:06,720
He's losing a bit. Oh, losing a bit, are
you, you little monk?

46
00:04:07,760 --> 00:04:11,110
Right. Well, Susie, have you walked for
it? No, no, wait a minute.

47
00:04:11,450 --> 00:04:14,650
It's not as important as that. You
mustn't do that. Well, you said he was

48
00:04:14,650 --> 00:04:18,149
a bit. Well, only a couple of hours a
day. Nothing to worry about. Oh, we

49
00:04:18,149 --> 00:04:21,709
have that, sir. No, no, I'll still knock
him into shape. Let's have a bit of

50
00:04:21,709 --> 00:04:22,710
space here, will you?

51
00:04:23,870 --> 00:04:24,749
Wait a minute.

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00:04:24,750 --> 00:04:25,750
Right.

53
00:04:25,910 --> 00:04:29,730
He's not very slim, is he, eh? Would you
like it a bit slimmer? No, no, I like

54
00:04:29,730 --> 00:04:32,670
it fat like that. Oh, you like it fat.
Oh, all right. Then please yourself.

55
00:04:32,930 --> 00:04:35,890
Now, how do we get the back off this?
Oh, it's one of them, is it?

56
00:04:36,160 --> 00:04:39,840
You haven't got one of those things for
getting the stones out of horses' boy

57
00:04:39,840 --> 00:04:40,840
scouts, have you?

58
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Look, I don't want to waste your
valuable time. Valuable time?

59
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Time is my life's work, my dear sir.

60
00:04:54,400 --> 00:04:55,400
Ah.

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00:04:55,640 --> 00:04:58,560
You know what's the matter with this
toaster? What's that? Well, it don't go

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00:04:58,560 --> 00:04:59,560
anymore.

63
00:05:00,400 --> 00:05:04,080
Well, at least I'll know it'll be
correct. you know, twice a day. Ah, but

64
00:05:04,080 --> 00:05:06,560
about the rest of the days? I would have
been right somewhere in the world,

65
00:05:06,600 --> 00:05:10,180
wouldn't it? Hong Kong, Rady Vostok. And
I won't get that annoying ticking.

66
00:05:10,500 --> 00:05:14,840
No, I'm sorry. I can't let this little
monkey out of my hands, otherwise

67
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all want to do it, see. You must show
them who's the boss, that's the idea.

68
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Is it walk -proof?

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Oh, most of them are. Never mind.

70
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I'll get the beer out. I've just got to
get the back off. Of course, they're

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00:05:25,940 --> 00:05:28,140
like little Brazil nuts, you know, these
little devils.

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00:05:28,480 --> 00:05:32,280
And he's modern once, you know. Old
Arthur, he ruptured himself on an omega

73
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other day.

74
00:05:33,500 --> 00:05:34,940
He's only winding it up at all.

75
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There's a bit of purchase on the little
beggars. That's a trouble.

76
00:05:40,720 --> 00:05:45,880
You don't know anyone who wants any
panels beaten out or horseshoes or

77
00:05:45,880 --> 00:05:48,360
like that. No, I don't know. The
bottom's dropped out of that, you know.

78
00:05:48,600 --> 00:05:49,600
I'll fix it for you. Don't worry.

79
00:05:55,090 --> 00:05:59,090
A couple of rivets won't put right, sir.
Here, I'll put the bits in the bag for

80
00:05:59,090 --> 00:06:00,530
you. There you are, so no extra charge.

81
00:06:00,810 --> 00:06:02,890
Well, listen, I shall have to buy a new
watch now.

82
00:06:03,150 --> 00:06:04,150
Oh, all right, yes.

83
00:06:04,410 --> 00:06:06,370
Hey, Harper, where's Charlie?

84
00:06:07,030 --> 00:06:08,030
Ah,

85
00:06:09,690 --> 00:06:11,310
you wanted a new watch?

86
00:06:11,570 --> 00:06:14,910
Well, that gentleman, your friend, has
just gone out, smashed my watch.

87
00:06:15,280 --> 00:06:17,940
Fourth thing, we're buying a new one. I
mean, it's a confidence thing. Well,

88
00:06:17,980 --> 00:06:19,680
this is a nice one, sir.

89
00:06:20,040 --> 00:06:22,240
£20. Good Lord, is that the time?

90
00:06:22,460 --> 00:06:24,140
Yes. Well, I'm supposed to be down at
the hospital.

91
00:06:24,460 --> 00:06:26,300
Oh, you know what you say, going down to
the hospital?

92
00:06:27,480 --> 00:06:28,900
You see where you dropped me off?

93
00:06:29,140 --> 00:06:32,640
Eh? I'm a doctor now, only part -time,
you know. What's the matter with you,

94
00:06:32,660 --> 00:06:35,420
then? Well, I've got headaches, pains in
the head. The head? Oh, your head will

95
00:06:35,420 --> 00:06:36,420
have to come off, definitely.

96
00:06:53,309 --> 00:06:54,309
No,

97
00:06:55,490 --> 00:06:58,450
no, no, look at the words on the
prompter there, all written up. Just

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out. I'll take that.

99
00:07:22,410 --> 00:07:25,650
I am a spokesman for the Ministry of...
What's it?

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00:07:25,950 --> 00:07:26,950
Communications.

101
00:07:28,950 --> 00:07:33,430
And we thought it would be a good idea
if I came along this evening and told

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all what was... I mean, tried to explain
the whole... Put you... Put you in

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it.

104
00:07:42,290 --> 00:07:45,210
The picture as to what the folk...

105
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think they're doing, know they're doing,
and I should know what they're doing,

106
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because I am one of them.

107
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One of them.

108
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I should know what I'm doing, but I
don't.

109
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Want you to think that we, at the, where
is it, the

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ministry, are sitting down on our fat
chance we get to sit down.

111
00:08:20,750 --> 00:08:24,910
are constantly on each other's toes as
secretaries.

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Secretaries are buzzing around, making
tea and men's meat, and each girl giving

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her utmost to whoever needs it.

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And when I say her utmost, I mean most
of her utmost.

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Not that I want you to think that we
have anything.

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to hide. The Ministry of Communicles?

117
00:08:52,790 --> 00:08:53,790
Communicles?

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00:08:55,650 --> 00:08:56,650
Communicles?

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Communications? It cannot be compared
with, I mean, it's nothing like a water

120
00:09:03,090 --> 00:09:08,930
closet. As the Ministry itself said, we
don't want any bugs in this Ministry.

121
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I'm the only big bug around here.

122
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Yes, I think that's what he said.

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And, of course, he's absolutely parched.

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Oh, perfectly right.

125
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I say, it's damn stifling in here. Does
anyone mind if I open a bottle?

126
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Oh, thank you very much.

127
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Because it does get damn hot in here,
you know.

128
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Oh, that's it.

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been said many times, and indeed, who am
I?

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I repeat, who am I?

131
00:10:08,050 --> 00:10:11,430
Who am I?

132
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A mere moss -broth to argue.

133
00:10:17,830 --> 00:10:22,610
He said at the last Common Market
Assembly, and here I quote,

134
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Trousers to cleaners.

135
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Liquid paraffin boots.

136
00:10:30,400 --> 00:10:33,680
And what a sorry picture that presents
of the country today.

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We stand here figuratively speaking at
the crossroads of men of this women, men

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of this women, men of the women of this
country having been taken to the

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cleaners, trousers, slipping and sliding
our boots filled with liquid paraffin

140
00:10:47,780 --> 00:10:51,900
on the downward path that leads to the
upward spiral of inflation.

141
00:10:52,360 --> 00:10:57,520
knowing that we must move in ever
-decreasing circles, finally

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our only chance of standing tall and
sleeping off, sweated up, back -to -back

143
00:11:03,420 --> 00:11:07,240
noses to the wall, best foot forward,
knees together and legs astride.

144
00:11:08,380 --> 00:11:11,000
We must all push in the same direction.

145
00:11:11,580 --> 00:11:17,060
I will be the first to join in the fun,
bearing in mind that I include women in

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00:11:17,060 --> 00:11:20,080
this because women are, in a sense,
lumped together.

147
00:11:21,380 --> 00:11:23,460
At least the ones I know are.

148
00:11:24,700 --> 00:11:28,840
Finally, in confusion, I would like to
say unequivocal.

149
00:11:29,240 --> 00:11:31,160
I would like to say unequivocal.

150
00:11:32,220 --> 00:11:34,560
I would like, but I can't.

151
00:11:36,700 --> 00:11:38,720
But what I can say is this, peace.

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Peace, that's what we all want. And we
cannot get this alone.

153
00:11:42,880 --> 00:11:46,120
We must combine with the best of the
rest of Europe.

154
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And that is why I am meeting the French
minister for communications directly

155
00:11:51,180 --> 00:11:52,360
after this broadcast.

156
00:11:52,760 --> 00:11:56,880
In his own words, we go out and get
peace together.

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Marseille, city of intrigue, smuggling
centre for the drugs traffic of the

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Western world.

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00:12:41,440 --> 00:12:45,660
Crime lurks behind every corner, filth
and degradation in every gutter. And

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worst of all, the town, like most places
abroad, is crawling with foreigners.

161
00:12:53,260 --> 00:12:58,560
Venice, memorial to the lost glories of
the Renaissance, and the only town in

162
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Europe to have found a way of keeping
prostitution off the streets.

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00:13:03,850 --> 00:13:06,750
But our story begins many miles from
teeming, steaming Marseille.

164
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Not on the banks of the Grand Canal in
Venice, but on the banks of the Grand

165
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Union Canal in Watford.

166
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Piggy Malone, overweight private
detective, and his undernourished

167
00:13:19,030 --> 00:13:23,530
Charlie Farley, failed undergraduate and
former hitman for the Brownies.

168
00:13:25,390 --> 00:13:29,690
And Charlie was about to teach his boss
the gentle art of fishing.

169
00:13:30,330 --> 00:13:31,330
This, Chief.

170
00:13:31,610 --> 00:13:33,460
This. It's called a float.

171
00:13:34,220 --> 00:13:35,220
Guess why?

172
00:13:38,280 --> 00:13:43,380
Because it sinks?

173
00:13:43,960 --> 00:13:45,080
It does.

174
00:13:45,820 --> 00:13:47,220
I shall have to take that one back.

175
00:13:47,660 --> 00:13:48,980
It's supposed to float, you see.

176
00:13:50,160 --> 00:13:52,160
No point in calling it a float if it
sinks.

177
00:13:53,320 --> 00:13:55,460
Floats that sink, that's a contradiction
in terms, isn't it?

178
00:13:56,060 --> 00:13:57,520
I mean, sinks don't float, do they?

179
00:14:05,320 --> 00:14:07,180
Terrible what people throw in the canals
these days, isn't it?

180
00:14:10,140 --> 00:14:11,320
That float hasn't come up, has it?

181
00:14:12,280 --> 00:14:14,320
You've had that. Oh, got plenty more of
these.

182
00:14:14,840 --> 00:14:16,520
We've come here to enjoy ourselves,
haven't we?

183
00:14:16,980 --> 00:14:17,980
Now, I tell you what.

184
00:14:18,380 --> 00:14:19,860
You get the lunchboxes out.

185
00:14:20,140 --> 00:14:22,040
I shall be over there adjusting my
tackle.

186
00:14:24,120 --> 00:14:25,700
I'd like to spread it all out in the
grass.

187
00:14:51,500 --> 00:14:52,500
Bread's a bit stale.

188
00:14:53,020 --> 00:14:55,440
Can you only meet with it? That's the
bait, Chief.

189
00:14:58,220 --> 00:14:59,440
Are the worms all right?

190
00:15:01,000 --> 00:15:02,000
They're okay.

191
00:15:04,200 --> 00:15:05,200
Oh, dear.

192
00:15:07,720 --> 00:15:09,240
Now, here's your rod, Chief.

193
00:15:09,600 --> 00:15:13,320
Are you? Um, I think I'd better watch
you first, because I've never watched

194
00:15:13,320 --> 00:15:14,320
anyone fishing, you know.

195
00:15:14,340 --> 00:15:16,960
Now, there's a lot of nonsense talked
about fishing, Chief.

196
00:15:17,460 --> 00:15:19,440
Nothing complicated to it at all.

197
00:15:20,500 --> 00:15:22,170
Three. Golden rules.

198
00:15:22,790 --> 00:15:24,190
Three things you've got to do.

199
00:15:24,450 --> 00:15:26,290
My grandad told me that when I was that
high.

200
00:15:26,650 --> 00:15:27,910
When was that, last week?

201
00:15:29,130 --> 00:15:30,130
Be fair.

202
00:15:31,850 --> 00:15:35,810
Now, look, never mind all that. He said,
never mind all that crap, he said.

203
00:15:35,950 --> 00:15:37,870
There are three things you must remember
to do.

204
00:15:38,290 --> 00:15:40,430
Make sure the bait is on the hook.

205
00:15:41,390 --> 00:15:43,550
Make sure the line is on the rod.

206
00:15:44,630 --> 00:15:45,750
Throw it into the water.

207
00:15:46,050 --> 00:15:47,850
Right? Three things, Chief. Right.

208
00:15:48,310 --> 00:15:49,630
See that the bait is on the hook.

209
00:15:49,830 --> 00:15:50,830
Bait on the hook.

210
00:15:51,469 --> 00:15:53,070
See that the line is attached to the
rod?

211
00:15:53,850 --> 00:15:54,850
Correct.

212
00:15:55,290 --> 00:15:56,930
And the last thing?

213
00:15:57,350 --> 00:15:58,610
Throw it in the water. Got it.

214
00:15:59,290 --> 00:16:00,290
Now go on.

215
00:16:09,290 --> 00:16:10,850
No, not the rod in the water.

216
00:16:13,610 --> 00:16:17,970
The, uh... Oh, let's go and have lunch
and we'll think the whole thing through.

217
00:16:33,620 --> 00:16:34,620
Yeah.

218
00:16:34,840 --> 00:16:36,100
Rest the rods in these.

219
00:16:36,440 --> 00:16:37,680
Don't even have to hold them.

220
00:16:39,380 --> 00:16:43,100
Safe as houses. Just sit back and enjoy
the solitude.

221
00:17:06,000 --> 00:17:09,980
At least we can forget all the worries
of all those criminal cases.

222
00:17:11,000 --> 00:17:12,400
Both of those criminal cases.

223
00:17:13,099 --> 00:17:16,800
Allowing your dog to foul the footway is
hardly a criminal offence, is it? Not

224
00:17:16,800 --> 00:17:17,839
in the ordinary course of events.

225
00:17:18,780 --> 00:17:21,980
Granted. But this is hardly the ordinary
course of events.

226
00:17:22,839 --> 00:17:24,500
Not when a High Court judge steps in.

227
00:17:26,780 --> 00:17:28,280
Not on its own doorstep, was it?

228
00:17:29,220 --> 00:17:30,360
Most of it was, yes.

229
00:17:32,010 --> 00:17:34,150
Yes, you have a case that fascinates me
most.

230
00:17:34,390 --> 00:17:35,690
What, the Breacher Promise case? Yeah.

231
00:17:35,950 --> 00:17:36,950
Have you seen her?

232
00:17:37,050 --> 00:17:39,790
No, that would be criminal. Why? If he
had to marry her.

233
00:17:42,090 --> 00:17:43,090
I've got a bite.

234
00:17:49,730 --> 00:17:56,570
Are you the two famous British

235
00:17:56,570 --> 00:17:58,530
detectives on holiday?

236
00:17:58,970 --> 00:18:01,090
What are you doing down there, my good
man?

237
00:18:01,590 --> 00:18:02,790
He's a frog banshee.

238
00:18:03,770 --> 00:18:06,030
I know that. I can tell by his accent.

239
00:18:07,070 --> 00:18:09,290
I still don't know what he's doing down
there.

240
00:18:09,910 --> 00:18:10,910
Top secret.

241
00:18:11,070 --> 00:18:12,070
Read this.

242
00:18:15,550 --> 00:18:16,570
Who are you?

243
00:18:17,970 --> 00:18:18,970
Undercover man.

244
00:18:19,210 --> 00:18:20,770
More like an underwater man.

245
00:18:21,590 --> 00:18:23,230
No stupid jokes.

246
00:18:24,070 --> 00:18:25,070
If you please.

247
00:18:28,699 --> 00:18:32,380
Meanwhile, further up the bank, two
figures watch the scene with interest.

248
00:18:33,200 --> 00:18:34,200
Peculiar.

249
00:18:34,740 --> 00:18:35,740
Frogman, over there.

250
00:18:36,360 --> 00:18:37,860
Talking to two idiots on the bank.

251
00:18:38,860 --> 00:18:40,680
They're up to no good. I'll be bound.

252
00:18:41,800 --> 00:18:44,340
Now, now, sir, don't get involved. We're
on holiday, remember?

253
00:18:45,600 --> 00:18:48,460
Frogman probably feel the need for
conversation the same as anyone else.

254
00:18:49,280 --> 00:18:50,280
Fishy.

255
00:18:50,760 --> 00:18:51,760
Oh, dear.

256
00:18:52,400 --> 00:18:54,580
I don't think this holiday's doing you
any good at all.

257
00:18:55,980 --> 00:18:59,860
I can tell you no more now, except that
it is a case of international

258
00:18:59,860 --> 00:19:00,860
importance.

259
00:19:01,420 --> 00:19:04,320
It is imperative that you meet the head
of MI6 at once.

260
00:19:04,580 --> 00:19:07,200
The fate of nations is at stake.

261
00:19:08,320 --> 00:19:10,280
Hoping this finds you as it leaves me in
the pink.

262
00:19:11,080 --> 00:19:13,160
Yours ever, British Intelligence.

263
00:19:15,200 --> 00:19:16,200
What do you say, Charlie?

264
00:19:16,620 --> 00:19:17,620
Do we take the case?

265
00:19:20,700 --> 00:19:21,700
International importance?

266
00:19:22,940 --> 00:19:24,360
We can hardly refuse, can we?

267
00:19:26,700 --> 00:19:28,760
I don't know. I mean, I've got that
roast chicken in the oven.

268
00:19:29,900 --> 00:19:30,900
Roast chicken?

269
00:19:32,180 --> 00:19:35,200
You can't think about roast chicken at a
time like this.

270
00:19:36,540 --> 00:19:38,220
The fate of nations at stake.

271
00:19:39,120 --> 00:19:40,980
I've done roast potatoes around it and
everything.

272
00:19:43,880 --> 00:19:44,920
Oh, God, have you?

273
00:19:48,760 --> 00:19:50,500
Could we report a bit later on?

274
00:19:50,980 --> 00:19:52,700
It must be at once.

275
00:19:54,440 --> 00:19:55,440
You're on.

276
00:19:55,560 --> 00:19:56,560
Where do we go?

277
00:19:57,220 --> 00:19:58,220
Follow me!

278
00:20:11,560 --> 00:20:12,560
Well,

279
00:20:13,020 --> 00:20:14,380
I knew they threw the little ones back.

280
00:20:15,400 --> 00:20:17,300
I didn't think they threw the fat ones
as well.

281
00:20:25,580 --> 00:20:27,320
What is the murky secret of the canal?

282
00:20:27,980 --> 00:20:30,100
Is the MI6 running Watford?

283
00:20:30,760 --> 00:20:32,900
What will happen to Charlie's roast
chicken?

284
00:20:33,220 --> 00:20:34,760
Don't miss next week.

285
00:20:35,820 --> 00:20:37,400
Passage to Marseille.

286
00:20:59,660 --> 00:21:01,420
Thank you.

287
00:21:17,080 --> 00:21:19,060
Thank you.

288
00:21:28,570 --> 00:21:34,650
Maestro played the music upside down.
Then upon one knee he tells them all

289
00:21:34,650 --> 00:21:37,690
he believes there's no one like his dear
old ma.

290
00:21:38,290 --> 00:21:44,510
Why did I ever roam from my Kentucky
home and leave behind that dear old

291
00:21:44,510 --> 00:21:45,510
don't know.

292
00:21:45,810 --> 00:21:51,250
Another hit, a smash, they're on their
feet and a -plodding with another

293
00:21:51,250 --> 00:21:52,250
show.

294
00:21:53,510 --> 00:21:58,900
Back in the dressing room, flowers and
French perfume, everyone said, Pink,

295
00:21:58,900 --> 00:21:59,900
champagne.

296
00:22:00,020 --> 00:22:06,720
Now they're calling the casting call to
celebrate the success of the show.

297
00:22:08,120 --> 00:22:13,880
Overflowing from limousines, lovely
ladies from fashion magazines.

298
00:22:14,680 --> 00:22:21,400
All the folk at the Grand Hotel
congratulate him on doing so well.

299
00:22:22,140 --> 00:22:26,760
From the coast to the coast, he is the
one they love most, the entertainer.

300
00:22:33,240 --> 00:22:39,820
He can hear on call coming from the
gloom. There's no one there he can drink

301
00:22:39,820 --> 00:22:46,440
with. No one to reminisce or think with.
From an old suitcase

302
00:22:46,440 --> 00:22:52,900
takes a photograph of a young girl's
face in a checkered scarf. My baby, your

303
00:22:52,900 --> 00:22:54,820
daddy loves you.

304
00:22:55,100 --> 00:22:57,540
It won't be long before I'm home.

305
00:22:59,230 --> 00:23:04,650
Lonely breakfast on the train with old
Flandreau, yet another town to win.

306
00:23:06,010 --> 00:23:12,050
While he's at the town, no need to stop
and worry. When the show's a flop, well

307
00:23:12,050 --> 00:23:17,130
then it's time to hurry. Get with every
draw, from Snark or Francis Curry, from

308
00:23:17,130 --> 00:23:22,030
the stinking ship. In the meantime, sell
our show tonight.

309
00:23:22,250 --> 00:23:25,630
Behind the stage they're saying, do I
look alright?

310
00:23:40,270 --> 00:23:47,150
To the swing of the ragtime rage The
entertainer comes on to the

311
00:23:47,150 --> 00:23:53,590
stage In the spotlight he looks a case
With a comic expression

312
00:23:53,590 --> 00:23:54,970
on his face

313
00:23:55,790 --> 00:23:58,490
Then a wink and a little pause.

314
00:23:58,910 --> 00:24:01,630
He's taming love to accept the applause.

315
00:24:02,570 --> 00:24:07,550
They all want him to know they love the
star of the show. The entertainer is

316
00:24:07,550 --> 00:24:08,910
ready to go.

317
00:24:09,570 --> 00:24:14,690
They all want him to know they love the
star of the show. The entertainer is

318
00:24:14,690 --> 00:24:15,690
ready to go.

319
00:24:34,050 --> 00:24:36,730
Hello, Nigel. Long time no see.

320
00:24:38,290 --> 00:24:39,290
Hello.

321
00:24:41,350 --> 00:24:44,270
How are you? Oh, I'm fine. Can't
complain.

322
00:24:44,550 --> 00:24:45,890
Keep him busy, you know.

323
00:24:46,750 --> 00:24:48,290
Like your hair's shorter.

324
00:24:48,830 --> 00:24:50,510
Must have been a weight, too, haven't
you?

325
00:24:50,710 --> 00:24:52,550
No, I didn't. Oh, you have, you know.

326
00:24:52,890 --> 00:24:55,210
You used to have a real little tummy
down there, didn't you?

327
00:24:56,510 --> 00:24:57,510
Well,

328
00:24:58,130 --> 00:24:59,089
I'd best get on.

329
00:24:59,090 --> 00:25:00,550
No peace for a working girl.

330
00:25:00,770 --> 00:25:02,870
Really nice to see you, Nigel.

331
00:25:03,400 --> 00:25:05,200
Well, get off at nine. Ring me.

332
00:25:07,540 --> 00:25:09,940
Well, what the hell was all that about?

333
00:25:10,940 --> 00:25:12,220
Look, don't you start.

334
00:25:12,860 --> 00:25:14,860
I'm going to have enough trouble
explaining you to her.

335
00:25:34,030 --> 00:25:37,650
I am trying to find the theological
college. I am to deliver a speech there

336
00:25:37,650 --> 00:25:39,190
evening, but I feel that I am lost.

337
00:25:39,530 --> 00:25:44,190
Oh, you want to go straight past the
Albion fish and chip shop, right at the

338
00:25:44,190 --> 00:25:49,890
Choo Chin Chow takeaway, straight on
past the kebab house, and then left at

339
00:25:49,890 --> 00:25:52,290
New Bengal restaurant. You can't miss
it.

340
00:25:52,490 --> 00:25:53,490
Oh, thank you very much.

341
00:25:53,710 --> 00:25:57,170
No, no, no, sir. There's a much better
way than that. You go straight past the

342
00:25:57,170 --> 00:26:01,070
police station, bear left at the
vandalized phone box, straight through

343
00:26:01,070 --> 00:26:04,750
traffic lights, up the street where it
says no entry, Park on the zigzag lines

344
00:26:04,750 --> 00:26:07,910
near the zebra crossing. It's right
opposite. Can't miss it. Oh, thank you.

345
00:26:08,130 --> 00:26:13,470
I think I know a far better way, Vicar.
You know, you go straight up the high

346
00:26:13,470 --> 00:26:18,250
street, past the Green Man and White
Bear, right at the Cricketers, left at

347
00:26:18,250 --> 00:26:22,770
Burnside Hotel, past the Marks of Granby
and on to the Elephant. What happens

348
00:26:22,770 --> 00:26:24,850
when I get to the Elephant? You take the
trunk road.

349
00:26:26,430 --> 00:26:30,250
Then you go as far as the Bull and turn
left. Right.

350
00:26:30,450 --> 00:26:31,439
No, left.

351
00:26:31,440 --> 00:26:34,380
Then you go on past the coaching horses
and left again at what's yours?

352
00:26:34,660 --> 00:26:35,660
What's yours?

353
00:26:35,680 --> 00:26:37,300
Awfully kind of. I'm going to have a wee
rally.

354
00:26:40,140 --> 00:26:45,040
No, left, dear, left. And right at the
Royal Oak. No, no, no. You want to go

355
00:26:45,040 --> 00:26:50,680
left at the strip club, right at the
knicker factory, then left again at

356
00:26:50,680 --> 00:26:51,680
Sandy's.

357
00:26:51,960 --> 00:26:55,640
I do think I would know where Randy
Sandy's is. Oh, you can't miss it. She's

358
00:26:55,640 --> 00:27:00,620
a big notice in the window. Sandy, 38,
26, 38, optician.

359
00:27:01,179 --> 00:27:03,020
Swedish glasses of speciality.

360
00:27:04,180 --> 00:27:05,500
Sandy's an optician, is she?

361
00:27:05,700 --> 00:27:06,700
Optician, my eye.

362
00:27:08,740 --> 00:27:13,660
No, no, he wants to go... I think he
wants to go right past the fountain inn.

363
00:27:13,820 --> 00:27:17,300
No, no, no, no. You'll want to take the
shortcut past Frilly Lily's.

364
00:27:18,120 --> 00:27:21,220
Well, where's Frilly Lily? Oh, you can't
miss it. It's the house with the big

365
00:27:21,220 --> 00:27:22,620
overhanging gables, you know.

366
00:27:23,380 --> 00:27:28,920
I've got a big notice outside saying,
Lily, 382638, chiropodist.

367
00:27:29,260 --> 00:27:31,420
Swedish pedicure is a speciality.

368
00:27:32,100 --> 00:27:34,480
Is she a chiropodist? Chiropodist, my
foot.

369
00:27:37,120 --> 00:27:42,160
I still say it's going to be quicker and
far better for him to go left at the

370
00:27:42,160 --> 00:27:42,939
have another.

371
00:27:42,940 --> 00:27:43,839
Have another?

372
00:27:43,840 --> 00:27:45,860
Off the kind of you. I'm going to have a
wee brandy.

373
00:27:46,360 --> 00:27:47,660
Right. No, no, left.

374
00:27:47,880 --> 00:27:49,440
Go left at the dirty bookshop.

375
00:27:49,640 --> 00:27:53,760
Or right at the dirty duck. Right.
That's right. No, left. Left. That's

376
00:27:53,860 --> 00:27:54,900
Right. No, left.

377
00:27:55,300 --> 00:27:56,300
Right, then left.

378
00:27:56,380 --> 00:27:58,000
Right, then left. Right, then left,
left.

379
00:27:58,280 --> 00:27:59,300
Wrong. Right, left, right.

380
00:27:59,560 --> 00:28:00,720
Right. Left. Wrong.

381
00:28:00,980 --> 00:28:01,980
Right.

382
00:28:02,800 --> 00:28:04,320
Perhaps we'd better start again.

383
00:28:04,540 --> 00:28:07,840
Listen, you want to go straight past the
seven stars, the six bells, the five

384
00:28:07,840 --> 00:28:11,420
swans, the four feathers, the three
jolly farmers, the two cricketers, the

385
00:28:11,420 --> 00:28:15,300
partridge in the pear tree. Then you go
left at one for the road.

386
00:28:15,520 --> 00:28:17,500
One for the road? Awfully kind of you.
I'm going to have a wee.

387
00:28:18,960 --> 00:28:20,440
Right. No left.

388
00:28:20,730 --> 00:28:24,670
He had the axe and compasses. No, no,
no. He's right at the axe and compasses

389
00:28:24,670 --> 00:28:28,870
and left at Baggy Aggie's. He doesn't
know where Baggy Aggie's is. It's easy.

390
00:28:29,190 --> 00:28:30,350
So is Baggy Aggie.

391
00:28:31,490 --> 00:28:35,350
He's got a notice in the window. You
can't miss it. It says, Baggy Aggie, 38,

392
00:28:35,570 --> 00:28:40,830
26, 38, qualified nurse, Swedish
injections of speciality.

393
00:28:41,850 --> 00:28:44,490
Does she do injections? Injections my
backside.

394
00:28:47,050 --> 00:28:48,890
I'm afraid I'm finding this all rather
confusing.

395
00:28:49,130 --> 00:28:51,530
Look, it's awfully simple, really it is.

396
00:28:51,890 --> 00:28:54,590
It's right at the axe and two large
ones.

397
00:28:54,790 --> 00:28:56,690
Two large ones? Oh, that's very kind of
you.

398
00:28:58,050 --> 00:29:01,380
Now, it's not the two large ones. No,
it's right at the injection and

399
00:29:01,380 --> 00:29:04,000
That's what you want. No, no, it's left
at the injection and compasses and right

400
00:29:04,000 --> 00:29:06,660
at the nurse and crowd. Oh, well, of
course, if you're going to go that way,

401
00:29:06,660 --> 00:29:10,880
go left at the coach and chiropodist.
Right at the five baggy opticians. Left

402
00:29:10,880 --> 00:29:14,200
the four frilly backsides. Right at the
three randy thandies. Left at the two

403
00:29:14,200 --> 00:29:17,480
dirty girdies. Right at the left luggage
opposite the stoning faggot. Yeah, left

404
00:29:17,480 --> 00:29:20,540
at the right luggage opposite Stoney
Joanie, who's a right faggot. And right

405
00:29:20,540 --> 00:29:23,580
the left luggage opposite Busty Dusty,
who's a stoning faggot. Yeah, you can't

406
00:29:23,580 --> 00:29:24,179
miss it.

407
00:29:24,180 --> 00:29:26,420
Yes, well, thank you for your efforts.
I'll do my best.

408
00:29:29,040 --> 00:29:35,740
You know... He'll never find that in a
month of Sunday

409
00:29:35,740 --> 00:29:39,260
school. Yes, as well. We shan't have to
listen to him at the meeting, shall we?

410
00:29:39,340 --> 00:29:42,380
They say he's a rotten speaker. I don't
know how we're going to get there. I've

411
00:29:42,380 --> 00:29:45,200
only been once before in my life. Do you
know how we're going to get there? Left

412
00:29:45,200 --> 00:29:47,700
and St. Peter's, I think. No, it's right
to St. Peter's, left to St. Andrew's.

413
00:29:47,700 --> 00:29:49,500
No, no, it's left to St. Andrew's, right
to...

414
00:29:49,500 --> 00:29:55,920
I

415
00:29:55,920 --> 00:29:58,520
must... I must tell you... a very, very
funny joke.

416
00:29:58,740 --> 00:30:02,500
Now, it's about two men who go to
heaven.

417
00:30:02,960 --> 00:30:06,220
Now, they go to heaven because they're
both a bit, um,

418
00:30:07,100 --> 00:30:09,240
um, D -E -A -D.

419
00:30:09,680 --> 00:30:16,640
Now, I said D -E -A -D because there
might be somebody watching who's a

420
00:30:16,640 --> 00:30:18,560
bit sensitive about people saying dead.

421
00:30:18,800 --> 00:30:19,800
Sorry.

422
00:30:19,860 --> 00:30:21,060
I said it.

423
00:30:21,280 --> 00:30:25,480
Like this morning. Now, I was... I was
having a row with my wife, and she said

424
00:30:25,480 --> 00:30:28,760
to me, Don't keep saying bloody in front
of the K .I .D. yet.

425
00:30:31,200 --> 00:30:35,920
Now, I've got to be a bit careful what I
say, because she is in the audience

426
00:30:35,920 --> 00:30:36,920
here tonight.

427
00:30:37,280 --> 00:30:41,480
If I'm not mistaken, second row up,
third in on the left.

428
00:30:42,660 --> 00:30:44,200
I am mistaken. It's Arthur Mullard.

429
00:30:47,400 --> 00:30:50,440
I'm mustering the bottle factory and see
if my new glasses are ready yet.

430
00:30:51,020 --> 00:30:56,760
But seriously, this is rather a special
evening because it is exactly ten years

431
00:30:56,760 --> 00:30:59,280
ago tonight when she said, I do.

432
00:30:59,960 --> 00:31:02,480
Which certainly surprised me because I
didn't think she did.

433
00:31:06,260 --> 00:31:11,600
And to be honest, anything I say about
my wife is said in fun.

434
00:31:11,820 --> 00:31:14,720
I mean, yesterday, I heard a comedian...

435
00:31:15,620 --> 00:31:16,800
Or was it Des O 'Connor?

436
00:31:19,980 --> 00:31:25,320
He said, he said, my wife is so thin
that when she's under the shower, she

437
00:31:25,320 --> 00:31:26,340
to walk about to get wet.

438
00:31:28,060 --> 00:31:33,920
Now, I wouldn't say that. I wouldn't,
because it would hurt her feelings.

439
00:31:34,360 --> 00:31:36,280
Because she is unusually thin.

440
00:31:37,220 --> 00:31:40,380
As a matter of fact, when I first picked
her up in the snooker hall, I thought

441
00:31:40,380 --> 00:31:41,380
she was a cube.

442
00:31:43,560 --> 00:31:47,060
She was wearing a brown dress and a
little blue hat.

443
00:31:48,340 --> 00:31:51,460
And before I knew it, I'd chalked her
and got a break of 46.

444
00:31:53,460 --> 00:31:57,040
No, no, no, sorry. Now I'm exaggerating
it.

445
00:31:57,740 --> 00:32:04,240
I got a red and a green and a... But
whatever I say about her, she is a

446
00:32:04,240 --> 00:32:05,240
wonderful mother.

447
00:32:05,500 --> 00:32:07,340
She knows both the children by name.

448
00:32:09,280 --> 00:32:11,540
She takes them to school in the morning.

449
00:32:12,000 --> 00:32:14,600
and waits there all day to bring them
home at night.

450
00:32:16,360 --> 00:32:18,640
Which doesn't leave much time for the
housework.

451
00:32:19,620 --> 00:32:24,320
As a matter of fact, the house is so
dirty, sometimes you have to wipe your

452
00:32:24,320 --> 00:32:25,320
to go out in the street.

453
00:32:27,780 --> 00:32:31,440
And the cooking is down to the minimum.

454
00:32:32,040 --> 00:32:36,340
We are actually the only family in
Croydon with a season ticket for the

455
00:32:36,340 --> 00:32:37,340
chip shop.

456
00:32:38,600 --> 00:32:41,120
But I would not swap her.

457
00:32:41,400 --> 00:32:43,520
I would not swap her for anything in the
world.

458
00:32:44,600 --> 00:32:48,260
Unless there happens to be someone
looking in who is desperately lonely and

459
00:32:48,260 --> 00:32:50,940
got a gearbox for a B registration
Vauxhall vehicle.

460
00:32:55,120 --> 00:32:58,320
Anyway, back to the joke while I can
still remember it.

461
00:32:58,620 --> 00:33:02,780
The two fellas up there, you know, doing
the old wings and nightshirt bit.

462
00:33:04,000 --> 00:33:07,140
One says to the other, he said, hello
there, he said, where are you from?

463
00:33:07,710 --> 00:33:10,750
The other one says, I'm from Scranton,
New Jersey, USA.

464
00:33:11,570 --> 00:33:15,930
The other one says, that is peculiar
because, by the way, I mentioned

465
00:33:15,950 --> 00:33:20,170
New Jersey, because my wife's family
come from there. You know, I thought I'd

466
00:33:20,170 --> 00:33:21,170
give them a little mention.

467
00:33:21,750 --> 00:33:22,750
You know,

468
00:33:23,330 --> 00:33:27,990
it helps, doesn't it? As a matter of
fact, they were one of the real old

469
00:33:27,990 --> 00:33:28,990
families.

470
00:33:29,430 --> 00:33:33,690
And as another matter of fact, her great
-grandfather was actually killed at

471
00:33:33,690 --> 00:33:34,730
Custer's Last Stand.

472
00:33:35,950 --> 00:33:39,650
He didn't actually take part in the
fighting, you know. He was camping

473
00:33:39,650 --> 00:33:40,810
and he went over to complain.

474
00:33:43,630 --> 00:33:45,970
And he went over to complain about the
noise.

475
00:33:52,450 --> 00:33:57,490
He was apparently a great character when
he was alive, you know.

476
00:33:58,170 --> 00:33:59,750
When he was dead, he got a bit ordinary.

477
00:34:01,870 --> 00:34:03,870
Now, he would have been a fighting man.

478
00:34:04,320 --> 00:34:07,900
But he didn't fancy the cavalry, and he
failed his medical for the Indians.

479
00:34:11,380 --> 00:34:14,860
Actually, to be honest, the family don't
talk about him a lot, you know.

480
00:34:15,380 --> 00:34:21,020
I get the impression that out there
where men are men, old Buffalo Cyril was

481
00:34:21,020 --> 00:34:22,020
bit of a novelty.

482
00:34:27,500 --> 00:34:30,860
So the other chap says, back to the
story, up in heaven.

483
00:34:31,600 --> 00:34:34,600
The wings and nightshade. But this other
chap, if you can remember. He said,

484
00:34:34,639 --> 00:34:38,440
that is funny. He said, because I am
from Scranton, New Jersey myself, he

485
00:34:38,699 --> 00:34:40,280
And I only got here yesterday.

486
00:34:40,659 --> 00:34:44,159
And the first fellow said, so did I. I
only arrived here, he said, peculiarly

487
00:34:44,159 --> 00:34:45,159
enough, yesterday afternoon.

488
00:34:45,580 --> 00:34:47,780
The other chap said, what happened to
you? He said, well, I tell what

489
00:34:47,820 --> 00:34:53,320
He said, I suspected that my wife was
having an affair with this guy at 824th

490
00:34:53,320 --> 00:34:55,179
Street, North Scranton, New Jersey.

491
00:34:55,560 --> 00:34:57,060
So I went up to his apartment.

492
00:34:57,710 --> 00:35:01,030
There she was, but I couldn't find him
anywhere, he said, so I started to wreck

493
00:35:01,030 --> 00:35:02,030
the place in my temper.

494
00:35:02,190 --> 00:35:06,130
He said, first I got hold of the freezer
and I lifted it bodily and threw it out

495
00:35:06,130 --> 00:35:08,570
of the window into the street four
floors below.

496
00:35:09,010 --> 00:35:12,230
Too much for the old ticker, I suppose,
he said, so here I am.

497
00:35:12,850 --> 00:35:14,890
He said to the other chap, he said, how
did you get here?

498
00:35:15,490 --> 00:35:22,390
The other fellow said, well, he said, I
was... I was in this freezer,

499
00:35:22,470 --> 00:35:23,470
he said.

500
00:35:49,130 --> 00:35:55,850
There's been a revolution in Abdication
Street where dear old Ina Sharples and

501
00:35:55,850 --> 00:36:01,390
Minnie Caldwell meet. The show is really
lively. It's going with a bang.

502
00:36:01,670 --> 00:36:06,190
For now they sit and gossip to the tunes
George Farmy sang.

503
00:36:12,270 --> 00:36:14,350
We've been leaning on the table.

504
00:36:19,150 --> 00:36:21,530
Swapping lines, supping beers.

505
00:36:21,950 --> 00:36:24,710
We sat so long, we both got cauliflower
ears.

506
00:36:25,290 --> 00:36:29,530
I hate this lot, and that's the truth.
That Jerry Booth is so uncouth.

507
00:36:29,530 --> 00:36:30,970
only one I can stand.

508
00:36:31,450 --> 00:36:34,150
Stood at bar, looking grand.

509
00:36:34,530 --> 00:36:37,230
With his little ukulele in his hand.

510
00:36:38,070 --> 00:36:40,450
Oh, I do miss that young Elsie Tanner.

511
00:36:40,830 --> 00:36:43,390
Ran off with that family planner.

512
00:36:44,150 --> 00:36:46,790
He had such a nice bedside nanner.

513
00:36:47,390 --> 00:36:50,330
Well, his planning went astray. She's in
the family way.

514
00:36:50,650 --> 00:36:53,910
We carry on. That Rita's gone. Another
one?

515
00:36:54,110 --> 00:36:55,830
What's she doing now? Me, oh, my.

516
00:36:56,790 --> 00:37:01,190
She's leaning on the lamppost at the
corner of the street, rattling keys at

517
00:37:01,190 --> 00:37:02,330
the he's that's passing by.

518
00:37:35,820 --> 00:37:39,760
There goes that Hilda Ogden. Oh, where's
her husband, Stan?

519
00:37:40,160 --> 00:37:42,420
Wait until you hear about that.

520
00:37:42,670 --> 00:37:43,710
Fat, disgusting man.

521
00:37:44,030 --> 00:37:45,910
He's got a wenchant neighbourhood.

522
00:37:46,370 --> 00:37:50,590
He what she like? A worthless dud with a
shape like a fallen Yorkshire pud and a

523
00:37:50,590 --> 00:37:55,270
face like Tommy Trinders. He takes his
bike out for a ride, goes round to her

524
00:37:55,270 --> 00:37:58,430
all starry -eyed. He knocks three times
and goes inside.

525
00:37:58,650 --> 00:37:59,970
And he's not cleaning windows.

526
00:38:00,390 --> 00:38:04,170
Can't reach the window cleaner, fancy
Zilda, so I hear.

527
00:38:04,430 --> 00:38:06,090
He's got a mini Cooper.

528
00:38:06,410 --> 00:38:08,370
Well, nobody's perfect, dear.

529
00:38:09,480 --> 00:38:14,200
He found out something wrong. She took
her turban off by gum. She's as bald as

530
00:38:14,200 --> 00:38:16,680
baby. Well... Now he's back in the
windage.

531
00:38:16,880 --> 00:38:20,560
Oh, look, there's Albert Tatlock. He's
dressed up to beat the band.

532
00:38:20,920 --> 00:38:22,460
He's kissing Annie Walker.

533
00:38:22,840 --> 00:38:27,640
What's he holding in her hand? It's his
little sticker, Black Bull Rock.

534
00:38:28,760 --> 00:38:30,620
He gave it to her. Who?

535
00:38:31,100 --> 00:38:32,100
Tatlock.

536
00:38:32,900 --> 00:38:34,940
Is he new barman?

537
00:38:35,220 --> 00:38:36,540
Aye, mucky old pup.

538
00:38:37,050 --> 00:38:40,630
He kissed her on the cellar, stepped and
worked his way up.

539
00:38:41,050 --> 00:38:47,330
It's perfectly clear he's not here for
the beer, cos last night till two o

540
00:38:47,330 --> 00:38:53,930
'clock they both sat there canoodling,
drinking pints of milk stout. I'm quite

541
00:38:53,930 --> 00:38:59,490
surprised at all, but he looks old and
worn out. The only thing he's got in

542
00:38:59,490 --> 00:39:04,050
worth bragging about is his little stick
of black bull rock.

543
00:39:08,780 --> 00:39:10,100
What's this I view?

544
00:39:10,560 --> 00:39:14,040
Oh, kindly put away your dirty laundry,
dear.

545
00:39:15,140 --> 00:39:19,320
It's then Fairclough's flannel late
night shirt.

546
00:39:19,580 --> 00:39:23,340
He stayed with me Tuesday night. What
next?

547
00:39:23,560 --> 00:39:27,200
Oh, he did have fun when nightlight were
dim.

548
00:39:27,560 --> 00:39:31,180
I bet he felt old age creeping upon him.

549
00:39:31,420 --> 00:39:33,180
And we whacked back the gin.

550
00:39:33,420 --> 00:39:35,180
Local vicar came in.

551
00:39:35,800 --> 00:39:38,540
I said, have a drink. He answered just
this word.

552
00:39:39,180 --> 00:39:44,160
When we last saw Reverend Fleet, he was
rolling down the street dressed in

553
00:39:44,160 --> 00:39:45,160
Lenzo.

554
00:39:46,540 --> 00:39:48,880
Lordy, lordy. In Lenzo.

555
00:40:15,790 --> 00:40:16,930
What can we do?

556
00:40:17,750 --> 00:40:20,690
We've been stuck in this bar since 1962.

557
00:40:21,710 --> 00:40:25,870
I sip with Ena and suck right with Ena.

558
00:40:26,330 --> 00:40:29,070
I've sucked so much my tongue is turning
blue.

559
00:40:29,970 --> 00:40:31,190
Where's Annie's lad?

560
00:40:31,890 --> 00:40:36,630
He's taken Betlin to do the flickers. I
hope she's got her handbag because

561
00:40:36,630 --> 00:40:38,250
she'll need it for her ticket.

562
00:40:39,930 --> 00:40:41,090
It's plain to see.

563
00:40:41,960 --> 00:40:45,220
We're doomed to do or die for bloody
ITV.

564
00:40:46,180 --> 00:40:51,420
There may come a day when we'll both get
away from Granada.

565
00:40:53,400 --> 00:40:58,600
And we'll both turn up in Crossroads
just you seeing.

566
00:41:01,520 --> 00:41:03,240
Turn it out nice again.

567
00:41:39,960 --> 00:41:45,640
Next week, a famous millionaire reveals
how it feels to have piles of gold.

568
00:41:52,680 --> 00:41:53,760
Wealthy but uncomfortable.

569
00:41:55,360 --> 00:41:59,600
And now news from the court. In the
Central Divorce Court today, a Lady

570
00:41:59,600 --> 00:42:02,920
Voyant was granted a divorce on the
grounds of her husband's adultery next

571
00:42:02,920 --> 00:42:03,920
weekend in Brighton.

572
00:42:07,030 --> 00:42:08,230
Here's the late news.

573
00:42:08,470 --> 00:42:12,930
Mr. Healy gave some interesting figures
on education today. In the greater

574
00:42:12,930 --> 00:42:17,910
London area, one half of the population
can't read, one half can't write, and

575
00:42:17,910 --> 00:42:19,290
the other three quarters can't hide out.

576
00:42:23,950 --> 00:42:28,670
A West Drayton man who kept himself
awake by snoring every night for 17

577
00:42:28,670 --> 00:42:31,750
has at last found the answer. He's going
to sleep in another room.

578
00:42:33,990 --> 00:42:35,150
And finally...

579
00:42:35,820 --> 00:42:36,820
Finally, sport.

580
00:42:37,280 --> 00:42:43,540
At the nudist pentathlon at Crystal
Palace this afternoon was won by

581
00:42:43,540 --> 00:42:44,540
Orville Stark.

582
00:42:44,640 --> 00:42:49,280
He was fourth in the 100 metres, third
in the long jump, second in the low

583
00:42:49,280 --> 00:42:54,960
hurdles, had an accident in the high
hurdles, and was first in the yodelling.

584
00:43:04,740 --> 00:43:07,860
So it's good night from me, and it's
good night from him. Good night.